Matrescence: The Identity Shift No One Warns You About
- Tamara
- Aug 14
- 7 min read
You might have heard the word "adolescence" used to describe the turbulent, transformative years between childhood & adulthood. But have you heard of matrescence?
Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mum. It is a profound, all-encompassing transition that reshapes your body, brain, identity, relationships & sense of self. Like adolescence, it is a rite of passage marked by intense change, uncertainty & growth. And like adolescence, we cannot go back once it is started.
Unfortunately, matrescence is rarely discussed openly, leaving many mums feeling confused, isolated, or like something is "wrong" with them if they are struggling to adjust.
If you've had the thought since becoming a parent "who am I?" or felt a quiet grief for the life & identity you knew before, then this post will hopefully be helpful for you. Matrescence is real, it is valid & we need to discuss it.
What is Matrescence?
The term matrescence was first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s to describe the transition to motherhood as a developmental stage, much like adolescence. Over the intervening years, it has been expanded to encompass the full spectrum of changes a woman can experience as she becomes a mother, including biological, psychological, social, cultural, occupational & even existential.
Matrescence includes:
Physical changes: Hormonal shifts, body changes, brain rewiring, sleep issues & the physical demands of pregnancy, birth & caring for a baby.
Emotional & psychological changes: Mood fluctuations, identity shifts, new fears & vulnerabilities, changes in values & priorities.
Social & relationship changes: Shifts in relationships with partners, friends, family & colleagues. Changes in our social roles & expectations that others have of us & we have for ourselves.
Cultural & existential changes: Confronting societal messages about "the perfect mother myth", grappling with questions of meaning & redefining what matters.
In short, matrescence is about becoming a mother in all its beautiful, chaotic messiness.
NB: If you want to know more about what "the perfect mother myth" see Dr. Sophie Brock (motherhood studies sociologist) model here.
The Brain in Transition: What Neuroscience Tells Us
One of the most profound & least discussed aspects of matrescence is what happens in your brain.
Just as adolescence is a period of intense brain development, so too is the transition to motherhood. In fact, neuroscientists now often describe pregnancy & the postpartum period as the most significant period of braib plasticity in adult life.
Your Brain is Having a Makeover
In the TED talk "How the brain changes of motherhood help human survival" by Dr. Lara Harvey, she explains that during matrescence, a mother's braib undergoes a process called synaptic pruning, basically imagine your brain tidying itself up, getting rid of connections it doesn't need & strengthening the ones that matter most.
Why? Because your brain is preparing for one of its most important jobs yet: keeping your baby alive.
What Actually Changes?
Although research in this area is still in the early days, so far it appears there are several key parts of a mother's brain that undergo changes during matrescence:
Areas involved in caregiving: These regions become more active, helping you respond to your baby's cries, facial expressions & needs
Memory & learning centres: These areas grow, helping you remember & anticipate your baby's routines & needs
Sensory systems: Your sense of smell & hearing may become sharper, helping you detect subtle changes in your baby
Social & emotional processing: These areas become more refined, helping you read baby's cues & respond to others emotions
Why Understanding Matrescence Matters
Despite how universal it appears to be, matrescence is only recently emerging in to the public sphere & it is still rarely discussed with the frequency needed. Many women enter motherhood expecting physical recovery & sleepless nights but no one warns them about the identity crisis, the grief for their old life or the profound sense of disorientation that can come with this transition.
When matrescence isn't acknowledged, mothers can feel:
Confused or ashamed about their mixed emotions e.g. I love my baby but I miss my life without my baby
Isolated, as if they're only ones struggling to adjust
Inadequate, believing they should be "over it" by now or they "should be" a better mum
Disconnected from their pre-baby self, without a clear sense of who they're becoming
Understanding matrescence helps normalise these experiences. It reminds us that what you are going through is not a personal failing rather it is a universal, developmental process that requires time, support & self compassion.
The Identity Shift: Who Are You Now?
One of the most disorienting aspects of matrescence is the identity shift. Before baby you may have defined yourself by career, hobbies, friendships, independence or your goals & values. After baby, for many of us, that can feel suspended, reshaped or even lost.
It's common to feel:
Grief for the life & freedom you had before
Confusion about who you are now, outside of being a "mum"
Shame for missing your old self, even while loving your baby deeply
Pressure to "bounce back", despite the enormity of the transition
This tension between loving your baby while mourning your old life is not only normal, it's a sign that you're paying attention to your own humanity.
Why You Need Time to Adjust
Matrescence is not a race. It's a process, that unfolds over years & looks a little different for every mother.
Just as you wouldn't expect a teenager to "figure out" adulthood in a few weeks, you cannot expect to fully adjust to motherhood in the first few months. You brain, body & identity are undergoing massive rewiring.
Here's what this might look like:
Make Space for "You" Time: Even in Small Doses
It is easy & understandable that your own needs will often fall to the bottom of the list when you're caring for a baby.
But small moments of connection that make you feel authentically "you" are important. You can think of these as "anchor points", they keep you grounded and connected to you, even in a small way.
Try:
Reading for 5 minutes (not parenting advice!)
Texting a friend about your day, not a baby update
Listening to a favourite song, maybe from your teen years?!
Have a cup of tea while baby naps
Applying hand cream or painting your nails
Think small. To start with mums often don't have the time or inclination for something big, but if we choose something achievable we always have time for a little anchor point back to ourself. We just need to make ourselves a priority!
Give Yourself Permission to Evolve
You don't have to have all the answers right now. It's okay to feel uncertain, to grieve what's changed & to take time to figure out who you're becoming.
Try:
Acknowledging the shift: "This is hard. I am going through a big transition right now"
Letting go of timelines: There's no "right" amount of time to adjust
Honouring your grief: Missing your old life doesn't mean you're ungrateful, it means you are human
Remind yourself of the positives: Your brain is being rewired to be more attuned & create a deeper capacity for connection & resilience
Reconnect with Your Body (without "Bouncing Back")
Your body is remarkable, it has done something extraordinary. Instead of focusing on what you think is "wrong", try shifting your attention to what your body has accomploished & what it needs now.
Small acts of reconnection might include:
Gentle stretching or movement that feels good
Nourishing meals, even if they're simple
Rest when you can (without guilt if possible)
Looking in the mirror & naming one thing you appreciate about your body today
Rethink Your Priorities (which may shift daily)
There is a lot of cognitive load within early motherhood. It is easy to become overwhelmed & get decision fatigue.
Take time to reflect on what has to be done, what decisions you have to make & what can be left for another day/week/month. Often there are things we spend time on that are zapping us of our emotional energy, but are actually less necessary than we think in the moment.
Find Your Tribe
Isolation can deepen the sense of identity loss. Connecting with other mothers, whether in person, online or through support groups, can help you feel seen, understood & less alone.
Look for:
Communities that align with your values or interests
Friendship where you can be honest about the hard parts
Professional support if you're feeling overwhelmed, stuck or disconnected
When Should You Seek Support?
While matrescence is a normal developmental process, some mothers experience more intense or prolonged difficulties.
It is worth reaching out for professional support if you notice:
Persistent low mood, anxiety or hopelessness that doesn't ease over time
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby
Severe mood swings, rage or numbness that interfere with your everyday life
Inability to sleep even when the baby sleeps or sleeping excessively
Withdrawing from relationships or activities that you previously enjoyed
Feeling like you've lost touch with reality or don't recognise yourself at all
If the adjustment feels like too much to manage on your own
These signs could indicate a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, which is treatable with the right support.
You're Not Losing Yourself Rather You Are Becoming Someone New
Matrescence is not about losing who you were. It is about becoming someone new, someone who carries both the weight & wonder of this transformation.
You will not have it all figured out right away and you are not going to "bounce back" because there is no back to go to, instead you are "going through" to become the new you.
If You Wish to Reach Out
Connected Threads Psychology has a focus on working with parents in the perinatal period. We strive to provide a warm, compassionate space where we will go at your own pace. We can explore what the parenting transition has been like for you & allow the space to grieve what is changed, honour what is emerging & find ways to be more grounded, connected & more like you (the new one you're becoming).
You are not broken, you are in transition. It can be messy, chaotic & beautiful. With time, support & self compassion you can find your footing in this new chapter.
If you would like to explore support with the adjustment to parenting, you can reach out via our Contact Us page, or call 0482 032 330 to find out more.
If you found this helpful please see these other posts you might also like:
Check out these links to some great TED talks related to Matrescence:
This article is for general information and is not a substitute for individual medical or psychological advice. If you are concerned about your mental health or physical wellbeing during pregnancy or the postpartum period, please speak with your GP, midwife, obstetrician or perinatal mental health specialist.
