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Pregnancy Loss & Miscarriage: Grieving Somebody Nobody Else Saw

  • Tamara
  • 3 days ago
  • 9 min read

There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes with losing a pregnancy.


You are grieving. You may be grieving the baby you got to meet briefly. Or the potential of the little person you were looking forward to holding. You might be noticing the loss in the way you had already started rearranging your life around them, the version of the next family celebration you had quietly built in your head. And yet, for many of the people around you, there is nothing visible to grieve. There may be no photographs to look at, no funeral to attend, sometimes not even a conversation because you hadn't told anyone yet. Sometimes people acknowledge the loss of your baby, but many won't know what to say so won't say anything at all.


So you can find yourself carrying something enormous while the world carries on as though nothing has happened. People ask how your weekend was. Work emails keep arriving. Someone on your friends list posts a scan photo.


If that is where you are right now, I want to say off the bat: what you have lost is real & your grief makes sense.


This post is about what grief after pregnancy loss can look like, why it can feel so isolating & some gentle steps that may help. It draws on the Guiding Conversations guide developed by the Stillbirth Centre of Research Excellence (Stillbirth CRE) for parents whose baby has died, alongside other Australian resources.


All information is general. Every person is different & so every loss is different. So please take what is useful & leave the rest.





How Common Is Pregnancy Loss (& Why That Doesn't Make It Smaller or Easier)


Pregnancy loss is common. Up to 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage before 14 weeks & where someone has had two or more miscarriages, known as "recurrent miscarriage", this affects up to 1 in 25 couples (Healthdirect Australia). Loss after 20 weeks is called stillbirth & sadly, over 2000 Australian families a year will experience a stillbirth.


Sometimes people share these numbers as if they are meant to bring comfort: "it's so common, it happens to so many".


I want to be honest, for many parents hearing how common it is doesn't help at all. It can even feel for some like you're being told your loss is ordinary & shouldn't hurt this much.


Statistics are useful for only one thing here. They tell you that you are not an outlier & when you are ready to reach out for support, there are people & services who know this territory well. The statistics cannot measure how great your own pain is, nothing can.



The Grief that Nobody Else Sees


Dr. Kenneth Doka came up with the term "disenfrancised grief" in the 1980s to describe a grief experience that is not openly acknowledged, socially accepted or publicly mourned.


Pregnancy loss sits squarely in this space. There are often none of the usual social rituals that tell everyone a death has occurred; no casseroles at the door, no automatic time off, no funeral notice.


Because of this, you may find yourself grieving in ways that feel invisible or hard to explain:

  • Grieving a future rather than a past. You may not have shared many memories with your baby, but you had already imagined a whole life. That imagined future is a genuine loss.

  • Feeling like you have to justify your grief. Thoughts like "it was only 8 weeks" or "I never even met them" can creep in, often echoing something someone else said.

  • Grieving privately. If you hadn't announced the pregnancy, you may be mourning someone most people never knew existed.

  • Feeling out of step with people around you. Others may consider the matter resolved within a fortnight, whilst you are still in the thick of it months later.

  • Losing more than a pregnancy. For some, the loss also touches identity, confidence in their body, hope about the future or a sense of safety in pregnancy itself.


None of this means you are grieving "too much" or "wrongly". The Stillbirth CRE puts it plainly in its guide for parents: "There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is no timeframe, and there are no set stages to go through" (Guiding Conversations).



What Grief After Pregnancy Loss Can Look Like


Grief is not only sadness, it is a complex combination of numerous emotions. You might notice some of the below arriving in waves, on & off, often over weeks, months or even years.


Emotionally


  • Deep sadness, numbness, heaviness or shock

  • Guilt, shame and self-blame e.g. "what did I do wrong", "perhaps if I hadn't had that coffee"

  • Anger towards your body, healthcare providers, people who fall pregnant easily or no one in particular

  • Envy, resentment, dread around pregnancies & babies

  • Fear about future pregnancies or hoping again

  • Relief that may sit alongside grief & bring it's own grief


Physically


  • Exhaustion, sleep difficulties, or distressing dreams

  • Changes in appetite

  • Physical recovery & hormonal shifts happening at same time as emotional ones, which can make everything more intense

  • A sudden physical ache when seeing a pram, a newborn or due date reminder


Behaviours


  • Avoiding baby showers, the baby aisles, certain peiplle or social media entirely

  • Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

  • Withdrawing or keeping constantly busy

  • Repeatedly searching online for answers about why it happened


Grief also has a habit of returning at a particular moments e.g. your due date, the anniversary of the loss, Mother's or Father's Day, or when subsequent pregnancy reaches the same number of weeks.


If waves hit you months or years later, this is not a setback & you are not doing grief wrong. It is grief doing what grief does.



Partners Often Grieve Differently


If you are the partner or support person, your grief is real as well. It is common to feel that you should be the strong one, or that this loss "belongs" more to the person who was pregnant. Many partners grieve quietly, hold it together at home & then find it surfaces at odd moments.


Different grieving styles within a couple are extremely common & they can be misread as not caring. If you are grieving alongside someone, it may help to say out loud, early & gently, that you are not going to do this the same way & that doesn't mean either of you loved this baby less.



Gentle Steps That May Help


None of these will make the grief go away, & they are not meant to. They are ways of giving what you have lost somewhere to live.


Allow Space for the Loss


The first & often hardest step, is naming what happened as a loss rather than something to explain away. You might try saying to yourself: "This was a baby I wanted. It makes sense that I am grieving."


Give yourself the space to not be okay when you can. You might try just saying something like the above to yourself, writing down how you feel or speaking to a supportive friend.


Acknowledge & Remember, in Whatever Way Fits You


With any loss, part of our grief processing happens by having rituals & acknowledgements of what we have lost e.g. a funeral, ceremony or wake. This often doesn't happen automatically with pregnancy loss & miscarriage the way it does when for example an older relative dies.


There are a number of ways you can provide yourself the space to honour your baby & your loss. There is no single right way to remember a baby & it is your choice what you wish to do & not do.


Some ways that might help to honour your baby:

  • Choosing a name or word for the baby

  • Writing a letter to them or to yourself

  • Honouring the due date or anniversary in a special way

  • Planting something

  • Keeping special mementos somewhere special e.g. a box with a scan photo, hospital band, clothing they wore


If you don't feel you are ready for any of this or you cannot imagine doing any of this that is okay too.


You can see more ideas in the Stillbirth CRE guide.


Support your Nervous System Gently


Grief lives in the body as much as the mind. Small, low-demand practices can help you feel a little more settled: slow breathing, a short walk outside, warmth, gentle movement, or some time to connect with others.


The aim here isn't to feel better, it is to feel slightly more able to be with what you are feeling. If you'd like some more information, see our post on navigating your nervous system.


Prepare a "Go-To" Sentence


Have a line ready to use to explain what you have been through. This can help reduce the panic that can come when someone asks about the experience out of nowhere.


Your sentence might sound something like:


  • "We lost a pregnancy. I am not ready to talk about it right now but thank you for asking"

  • "We had a miscarriage in March. I'd rather not go into details"

  • "I'd love to tell you about it another time. Right now I just need a normal chat"

  • "Something tough happened but I really don't have the headspace for this chat at the moment"


It is your story & only you get to decide who hears it & when. You don't owe anybody your story even if they are well intentioned, it is still your story to share if & when you are ready.


Let a Few People in


It is easy to shut off & not be inclined to speak to anyone about how you're feeling. This can be protective with some people, if you know or suspect someone won't be able to hold your grief with empathy & support, they might not be someone you should share your story with, especially at the start.


However, total isolation can make our grief feel even worse, particularly given pregnancy loss & miscarriage is already socially invisible.


As stated above your story is yours to share when you're ready. When you are ready, if you have even just one trusted person to tell the whole truth to, it can be helpful.



When to Reach Out for Professional Support


Please consider speaking with your GP, midwife, obstetrician or other health provider about getting extra support if:


  • Your grief feels unrelenting & isn't shifting over time

  • You're having flashbacks, intrusive images or nightmares about the loss

  • Anxiety or low mood is significantly interfering with sleep, eating, work or relationships

  • You're withdrawing from almost everyone

  • Guilt or shame has become constant

  • You're feeling anxious or panicked about a subsequent pregnancy

  • You feel hopeless, or you're having thoughts of harming yourself


You don't need to wait until it feels "bad enough". If this is affecting your quality of life that is reason enough to reach out to find support.


If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life please reach out to a crisis service now. You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467, both available 24/7. In NSW you can call the Mental Health Line on 1800 011 511. In an emergency, go to nearest emergency department or call 000.



Where to From Here


Healing after pregnancy loss is not about getting over it & it is not about going back to who you were before. For most people, it is slower & less linear than that. It is about the loss gradually taking a shape you can carry rather than one that flattens you.


You may always mark that date. You may always feel something when you see a pram. That is not a sign you are stuck, it is a sign that it mattered.


If you have read this far, I want to acknowledge that reading about your own grief takes immense courage. You have given yourself a moment of honouring your loss, which may be something you feel you have been carrying alone.


You don't have to carry this quietly & you don't have to carry this alone.



Reaching Out to Connected Threads


At Connected Threads Psychology, my hope is to offer a space where your loss is treated as real, & where you can go at whatever pace feels manageable, with room for the messiness, the anger, the silence & the days that make no sense.


If you would like to explore support after pregnancy loss or miscarriage, you can reach out via our Contact Us page, or call 0482 032 330 to find out more.


Connected Threads is located in Pymble in Sydney's North Shore or online Australia wide.



Australian Support Services




For Further Information Check Out Below Links:




If you found this helpful please see these other posts you might like:






This article is for general information and is not a substitute for individual medical or psychological advice. If you are concerned about your mental health or physical wellbeing, please speak with your GP, midwife, obstetrician or perinatal mental health specialist.



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