Understanding Communication Styles

Effective communication shapes our relationships, work, and daily interactions. Understanding different communication styles can help you connect better with others and express your own thoughts clearly.

Together we will explore four common communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. We will look at how each style behaves, what beliefs and emotions drive them, their goals, and the impact they can have on relationships.

All information provided is a generalisation; most of us will utilise these styles to some extent. The information provided describes the characteristics and implications of using a particular communication style as your primary form of communication.

Passive Communication

Passive communicators often avoid expressing their true feelings or needs. They might agree with others even when they disagree or stay silent to avoid conflict.

• Actions: May avoid eye contact, speak softly, use apologetic language, and often will let others make decisions.

• Appearance: May seem withdrawn, hesitant, or overly accommodating.

• Underlying beliefs: May believe their needs are less important, fears rejection or conflict, and could think others’ opinions matter more.

• Emotions and experiences: May often feel anxious, powerless, or overlooked. May experience resentment or frustration internally.

• Goals: To keep peace, avoid confrontation, and be accepted by others.

• Possible results: Others may take advantage of a passive communicator. Often misunderstandings can grow, and the passive communicator’s needs remain unmet. Over time, this could lead to low self-worth and dissatisfaction in relationships.

  
  

Example of passive communicating:

A passive communicator at work might agree to extra tasks despite feeling overwhelmed because they fear saying no will upset colleagues.

Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communicators express their needs and opinions forcefully, often at the expense of others.

• Actions: May communicate with repeated interrupting, raised voice, blaming or threatening language, and often will dominate the conversations.

• Appearance: May appear confrontational, intense, or intimidating.

• Underlying beliefs: Could believe they must win or be in control, often seeing others as obstacles, and may think force is necessary to get what they want.

• Emotions and experiences: Often feels anger, frustration, or impatience. May also feel insecure but hides it behind aggression.

• Goals: To assert power, control situations, and get immediate results.

• Possible results: Can damage relationships, create fear or resentment, and lead to isolation. Others may avoid or resist the aggressive communicator.

  
  

Example of aggressive communication:

An aggressive communicator in a family argument might shout over others to dominate the discussion which leaves others feeling hurt or shutting down.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Passive-aggressive communicators express negative feelings indirectly rather than openly.

• Actions: May use sarcasm, procrastination, backhanded compliments, or subtle digs. Generally avoids direct confrontation.

• Appearance: May seem cooperative on the surface but shows dissatisfaction through indirect language or behaviours.

• Underlying beliefs: May feel unable to express anger or dissatisfaction openly, often fears conflict, but still wants to express displeasure.

• Emotions and experiences: Often leads to feelings of resentment, confusion, and frustration. Often experiences inner conflict between wanting to speak up and fearing consequences.

• Goals: To avoid direct conflict while still expressing dissatisfaction or resistance.

• Possible results: Often leads others to feelings of confusion, mistrust, and creates tension in relationships. Others may often feel manipulated or unsure how to respond.

  
  

An example of passive communication:

A colleague who agrees to a deadline (which doesn't work with them) so misses it intentionally in order to express their dissatisfaction.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communicators express their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully.

• Actions: Tend to use clear, direct language, maintain eye contact, listen actively, and respects others’ opinions.

• Appearance: Typically present as confident, calm, and open.

• Underlying beliefs: Often believes their needs and others’ needs are equally important and will value mutual honesty and respect.

• Emotions and experiences: Generally feels confident, calm, and in control. Experiences mutual respect and understanding.

• Goals: To communicate honestly, solve problems, and build healthy relationships.

• Possible results: Assertive communicators typically build trust, reduce misunderstandings, and foster cooperation. Typically leads to stronger, more balanced relationships.

  
  

Assertive communicator example:

An assertive person might say, “I feel overwhelmed with the current workload. Can we discuss how to manage it better?”

Unlike the previous options, this communication would invite dialogue without blame or confusion.

Why Understanding These Styles Matters

Knowing these communication styles helps you recognise your own patterns and those of others. It can improve how you respond in conversations and manage conflicts. For example, if you notice someone is passive-aggressive, you might encourage more open dialogue rather than reacting to indirect behaviour. If you tend to be passive, learning assertiveness skills can help you express your needs more effectively.

Practical Tips to Develop Assertive Communication

• Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming (e.g., “I feel upset when…”).

• Practice active listening to understand others fully before responding.

• Maintain calm body language like steady eye contact and relaxed posture.

• Set clear boundaries and say no when needed.

• Prepare what to say in challenging situations to stay focused and respectful.

  
  

Practising these can be a helpful shift towards assertive communication, which can be of benefit to both your wellbeing and your relationships.