How to Navigate Difficult Conversations

At some point in our lives we will need to have a difficult conversation, whether it be with our colleagues, our friends, or our family. Many of us put these off, maybe because of fear of confrontation or worries about making things worse. Sometimes we have tried to have these conversations, but things have gone awry so we now have less faith in our ability to try again.

Unfortunately, difficult conversations are a fact of life. So we can either avoid them & thus ignore important conversations or we can learn how to have them more effectively.

Prepare for the conversation

Before initiating a difficult conversation, it can be helpful to think & reflect. If you are launched in to a tricky chat unexpectedly, it can still be worth taking a breath & reflecting, even if it is brief.

Possible questions to ask yourself:

• What am I hoping to achieve? (E.g. is it to be heard, to repair something, or to change something?)

• What would a positive outcome look like?

• When/where is the best time to have this conversation?

• What might the other person be bringing to this conversation?

• Where might their perspectives differ from mine?

Taking time to consider these answers can help set the tone of the conversation from the beginning.

For example:

If you are planning on discussing feeling unsupported at home, it will help to reflect on what pressures your partner might be facing, what their perspective may be, what you hope to gain from your chat with them, as well as reflecting on the best time to bring up this conversation.

Which conversation is most likely to go well:

Version 1:

You bring up your frustrations whilst doing the grocery shop in the middle of a hectic Saturday.

Or

Version 2:

You ask to have a calm conversation when at home on Sunday morning with no plans to go anywhere.

Planning your points

When heightened emotions are involved, it is easy for conversations to become overwhelming or go off on tangents. Limiting yourself to 1-2 key points can help keep things focused & manageable. Rather than bringing up every frustration you have been holding on to, instead try to identify the core issues that matter most. Better to have a focused conversation that leads to some level of resolution about fewer issues than a meandering conversations about every concern. You can have more than one conversation, you do not need to sort it all in one go if there is a lot!

For example:

We are having issues with our friend recently repeatedly not answering our calls. This should be the focus of a difficult conversation, not every other issues we may have within this relationship.

Version 1:

You tell your friend you are upset they never return any of your phonecalls, and how this is just like how they've always forgotten your birthday, they are never there when you need them & how you wish they would be a better listener.

Or

Version 2:

You let your friend know that you are missing them because you haven't been able to catch each other for a little while & wonder if there is something going on at their end.

Avoiding labels, absolutes, & "but"

The language we use can either open up a conversation or shut it down very quickly. Words like "always" & "never" often trigger defensiveness, even if there is some truth behind them. Similarly, labelling someone as "selfish", "uncaring" or "lazy" tends to escalate the situation rather than help to work towards resolution or understanding. Even small shifts in wording can make a big difference. Replacing "but" with "and" can help hold space for different perspectives.

For example:

Version 1:

"You are always lazy, you never help out"

Or

Version 2:

"I would like to discuss how we manage our household tasks`"

Using "I" statements

Framing your experience through "I" statements helps keep the focus on your feelings rather than placing blame (see our "I" statements post for more detail). This can make it easier for the other person to hear what you are saying without becoming defensive.

This approach creates an opening for dialogue rather than conflict. It also allows you to take ownership of your emotional experience while still expressing your needs clearly.

For example:

Version 1:

"You never listen to me"

Or

Version 2:

"I feel unheard when I try to share something important with you"

Taking a break when needed

Even with the best preparation, difficult conversations can become emotionally intense. Recognising when things are escalating & taking a break can prevent/reduce further harm. This does not mean avoiding the conversation altogether, but rather giving both people the chance to reset. If a discussion starts to become heated, it is often more productive to pause & agree to revisit it in a few hours/next day. A short break, even a walk around the block or a moment to step outside might bring some clarity & reduce the likelihood of saying something that could be hard to take back.

For example:

Version 1:

Screaming at friend and storming off.

Or

Version 2:

"I am getting really worked up & I don't think I will be able to stay calm much longer. What we are talking about is really important to me so I want to do it properly, can we take a break & try to reset before continuing?"

Tip: If you know it is hard for you to communicate well once you are worked up, try having a code word planned beforehand so you can quickly communicate with the other person that you need a break & will come back without having to say all of this.

For example: you decide if one of you says "spaghetti" you both know this means you need a break but also that it is still important to finish the conversation later.

Summary

Difficult conversations are rarely easy (that's why we call them difficult!), but they are almost always going to be necessary for maintaining & strengthening our relationships. Approaching them with intention & clarity will generally make a meaningful difference. Although tricky, these conversations offer an opportunity for growth & an improvement in understanding. Take your time, breathe, reflect & keep focusing on your intent.

If you need to have some difficult conversations in your relationships but they feel too big, why not try practising with someone you trust or trying out the techniques in a lower stakes moment?

With practice, difficult conversations will generally become less daunting & more constructive.